my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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