How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
