i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
