Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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