Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
