I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
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so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
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At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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