It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
