Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the day after is always just damage control
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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