well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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