There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
