he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
