not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
