Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
