My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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