At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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