That's intense
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
