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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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