If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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