Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
