theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
