you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
