Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
