I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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