I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
