I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
