my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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