chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
