What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
