exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
