apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
