Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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