Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
