Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
