Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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