I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
