Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
what day is it and did you see me today?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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