Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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