They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
