just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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