pop tarts are not kleenex
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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