you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
