i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
