Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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