I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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