Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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