I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
