I think I won the penis lottery.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Your penis caused this!
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