I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
