He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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