i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
