Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
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We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
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He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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