Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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