cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize