My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
