i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
