ya dads aren't the best wingmen
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
