You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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