I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
