Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
