And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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