I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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