Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.