I didn't shave. On purpose
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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