Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
