I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
