Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
